What lies ahead is an unedited jumble of words, thrown onto a blank sheet of paper late at night after seeing a movie. Enjoy at your own risk.
Also, there may be a minor spoiler or two, but nothing really.
Halfway through Rogue One, a villainous Ben Mendhelson meets up with the biggest baddie of them all: Darth Vader. Ben gets a bit tedious, so Vader chokes him with the force and menacingly turns around to state (something along the lines of), “Be careful not to choke on your ambitions, director.”
INSERT GAGGING NOISE HERE.
Yeah, it’s a f***ing horrible line. But even worse is that this moment feels like a bizarro meta statement about this spinoff of the Star Wars franchise and The Force Awakens: that they haven’t really taken many chances since screwing up I, II and III; they play it safe, and they appease their already enormous audience rather than pissing them off again.
The problem is, some of us are not part of that audience. Some of us didn’t see A New Hope until they were already a cynical college sophomore who’d started to take film classes in order to get more cynical and poke more flaws in more things. And with that kind of formulaic, bland attitude, George Lucas and Co. promise not only to refuse to admit new fans to the Star Wars franchise during the Third Age, but also, in the process, send the franchise on a more dramatic downwards spiral than what Marvel is currently experiencing. But whatever. I’m super happy for everyone who applauded at this piece of garbage because at least they enjoyed it. Glad you got your money’s worth. Peasants.
(hit CONTINUE READING to continue listening to me be an a-hole)